What to do when your colleague comes out at work

Coming out (aka telling someone I’m queer) isn’t a one-off thing. Every time I meet someone new, I need to do the math. Do I want to share this part of myself with them? Do I have the energy to deal with a negative response? Is it even safe? (Yes, I have pretended to be straight because I was worried I’d never get promoted, or worse, I was afraid they would get aggressive at networking drinks.)

Every time I come out, I take a risk. Your response means so much to me and others like me. 

Statistically, there’s at least one LGBTQ+ person in your office. Has someone come out to you at work yet? How did it go? Good? Awkward? I hope it wasn’t ugly. If you haven’t yet had the honour, it’s a matter of time.

There are many ways to come out, and there’s no one-size-fits-all response. But I’m here to offer a basic formula I’ve distilled as an inclusion leader, LGBTQ+ counsellor, and a queer woman. You want to be affirming while providing support (if needed) and not make it about you. Here’s what applying that formula looks like in some likely scenarios.

When they casually come out

Scenario: You ask a colleague what she did over the weekend, and she mentions she took her wife and kids to the zoo.

A casual mention should be matched with a casual but affirming response. These situations are likely to happen when you get to know someone or during a water cooler chat. Chances are you’re not too close to this coworker (yet). 

Their identity is one part of them and not their defining feature, so there’s no need to make a big deal of them coming out, but you still need to respond positively. It can be as simple as saying “Thank you for sharing” or an affirming smile or nod. You’re showing them you’re safe; they can share more about themselves.

Someone might also casually come out during their interview with you or when they join your company. It’s a great opportunity to show them they’re joining an inclusive team without overstepping. You can say something like, “I’m so glad you felt safe saying that. If you’re interested, I can share more about how our company supports LGBTQ+ inclusion or connect you with our LGBTQ+ group.”

You’re leaving it up to them to decide if they need more information.   

When it’s someone close to you

Scenario: That teammate you work with every day tells you they are transgender.

Chances are they’re coming out for a reason. They have trusted you with this information, so let them know that you’re honoured. You can say, "Thank you for trusting me” or ‘I’m glad you felt safe enough to share with me."

Then show them you’re open to understanding their reasons and experiences by saying, "Do you want to discuss it more? We don’t have to, but I’m here to listen if and when you do." You can also ask them, "Do you need anything at work?" or even check to see what support they need.

You matter enough to them to have taken the risk, so show them you’re listening actively. One of the most accessible openers is asking someone what their label means to them. 

We might assume we know what ‘lesbian’ or ‘transgender’ means, but in the community, these words encompass a wide range of experiences. By asking, we’re showing that we want to know them as people and not put them in a box.

When it’s in response to anti-LGBTQ+ comments

Scenario: You make a gay joke, and someone says they are gay

I’ll admit it: even though it’s my job to get it right, I’ve said the wrong thing before. It happens despite our best intentions, and what matters is if we show growth from here. So, if you have unknowingly offended them, consider apologising.

Be accountable and say, “I’m sorry about the comments I made”. Thank them for giving you a learning opportunity. LGBTQ+ people have been on the receiving end of micro-aggressions, discrimination and bullying for too long. You have a chance for true allyship here. 

Maybe it wasn’t you; perhaps someone else made an inappropriate remark in a group setting. You might not be the person who needs to apologise, but you can still be empathetic and say something like, “I’m sure that’s hurtful for you to hear and made you feel less safe in this team”. 

This shows the commentator that their behaviour is unacceptable and encourages them to reflect. Consider speaking to the commentator privately later. If this is part of a pattern of behaviours from the same person, or if the comment is disrespectful, doing the right thing includes reporting it as per your organisation’s anti-discrimination policies. This is allyship. 

What to do if you have anti-LGBTQ beliefs

No matter the underlying reason for your beliefs, I trust that you value respect and kindness. It’s okay to stand by your beliefs, but you don’t have to be hurtful. That means no jokes when someone comes out. And if the LGTBQ+ person who came out is close to you, it’s okay that you take your time to process it and come back to talk about it. 

Tell them, “My beliefs are different from yours. But I still respect you as a person and colleague and will ensure this doesn’t affect how we work together”. 

We don’t have to share the same values or agree with all our colleagues. That’s the beauty of diversity at work. We must be inclusive and able to work respectfully with our differences.

These suggestions may not apply in every situation. You just need to focus on staying respectful and showing genuine interest in their personal story, not just as a representative of the LGBTQ+ community.

Sheni Nedumaran is the APAC head of diversity, equity, and inclusion at IPG Mediabrands.